the jla song

Tim Minchin

I've never climbed a mountain
Of a particularly challenging size
I've never run a bank
Reserve or otherwise
I've never been the captain of a team
And Iââ?¬â?¢ll know youââ?¬â?¢ll be surprised
To find I didnââ?¬â?¢t invent the Internet
Havenââ?¬â?¢t reached a double A rating yet
Abolishing Apartheid seemed to work
For F. W. de Klerk

I may not be a powerful
Or impressive looking man
But I can guarantee that if you hire me
I wonââ?¬â?¢t cost you thirty thousand grand
And if you are B.T.
I will do the gig for free
If youââ?¬â?¢ll just send out a man
To sort out my broadband

Iââ?¬â?¢m not married to Paul McCartney
I am not an amputee
Iââ?¬â?¢ve never played at Wembley Stadium
Or made poverty history
I havenââ?¬â?¢t yet been knighted
Nor received my MBE
I find it hard to leave my living room
Yet alone go walking on the moon
Never studied the seven favourite tactics of
Garry Kasparov

But I can sing and play piano
Iââ?¬â?¢ll even do it at the same time
I aim to please with melodies
And generally amusing rhymes
So why not hire me and get a nice song
Rather than paying Lance Armstrong
Fifty thousand quid to ramble on about cancer
And bikes
Boring!

I never ruled a superpower
Or did the naughty business with a cigar
Iââ?¬â?¢ve got no funky birthmark and I didnââ?¬â?¢t start
Democratic reform in the USSR
But letââ?¬â?¢s be honest would you rather eat cake
With an ex-head of state
Or a nice Australian chap singing songs about inflatable boobs?

I may not be real famous
Or particularly good
But you should hire me while Iââ?¬â?¢m still a C
I might be the next Victoria Wood
And if you are B.T.
I will do a show for free
If youââ?¬â?¢ll just send out a man
To sort out my bloody broadband

I canââ?¬â?¢t shout like Gordon Ramsey
Or chase shadows like Hans Blix
Canââ?¬â?¢t bowl flippers like Shayne Warne
Nor have I flipped as many chicks
Iââ?¬â?¢m not as honourable as William Hague
I donââ?¬â?¢t dig on politics
And I canââ?¬â?¢t inspire you to strive
To be more present in your daily lives
Canââ?¬â?¢t alter human nature in a night
Like Anthony Robins might
Like Tony Robins might

But Iââ?¬â?¢ve got a quaint Australian accent
Thatââ?¬â?¢s must be worth a beverage
Iââ?¬â?¢m not saying Iââ?¬â?¢m the peer of Germaine Greer
Or Dame Edna Everage
But everybody loves a true blue Aussie
Like the croc hunter, Steve
He wore his bleeding heart on his khaki sleeve
And I can play piano without looking
That must be worth a couple of grand
Iââ?¬â?¢ve not got he CV
Of Boutros Boutros-Ghali
Nelson Mandela or Kofi Annan
But letââ?¬â?¢s be honest, all these luminaries
Rambling on about peace
Is not as much fun as some karaoke

Thereââ?¬â?¢s a lady whoââ?¬â?¢s sure
All that glitters is Gold
And sheââ?¬â?¢s buying a stairway to heaven
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
She can seek some legal advice
From Ernst and Young

See I do gig-specific references
Iââ?¬â?¢ll chuck in a couple of relevant lines
Iââ?¬â?¢ll give a birthday shout
Or get the Santa hat out
Iââ?¬â?¢ll even sing you Auld Lang Syne
Cos Iââ?¬â?¢ll be honest
See my wifeââ?¬â?¢s eight months gone
Now weââ?¬â?¢re on one income
And we just immigrated and we donââ?¬â?¢t have any furniture
I may not be that famous
Or impressive to anyone
But you should hire me
Cos Iââ?¬â?¢m gonna be a daddy and Iââ?¬â?¢ll need to buy nappies for my new born son
And if you are BT
Iââ?¬â?¢ll do the gig for free
If youââ?¬â?¢ll just send out a man
To take us to Ikea in his BT van
Buy a crap cot and a Swedish pram
But on the way home we can sort out a plan
To sort out my fucking Broadband
My fucking Broadband