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Tim Minchin
hello
HelloWelcome to my show
Iâ??m glad that you could come
Weâ??re gonna have a hoot
Weâ??re gonna have some fun
Sit back
Put your feet up and relax
I hope youâ??ve had a drink or three
The more youâ??ve drunk
The better I will be
And if you have a mobile phone
Please turn it off
â?¦
Thank you
And if you have Touretteâ??s syndrome
Just do whatever it is you people do
And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
Maybe you should chuff off home
Cos itâ??s only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
From now on
â?¦
Cunt
My name is Tim
I write funny songs and sing
And if you donâ??t think funny songs are funny
Well I respect your right
To think exactly what you like
But youâ??re sure as shit not getting back your money
And if you write for a newspaper Iâ??d just like to say
That I read your publication every single day
And I agree with absolutely everything you say
I think youâ??re the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer
Writing on the subject of the arts
But if you write a bad review
I promise you Iâ??ll come round to your house
And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
Iâ??ll lay turds!
In all your plants!
Your indoor plants!
Your potted indoor plants!
Hello
Welcome to my show
Iâ??m glad you all could come
Itâ??s time for a little audience participation
Sing, â??yeahâ?
Sing, â??yeahâ?
Sing, â??ooo yeahâ?
Sing, â??I am an audience memberâ?
â??Why are you making me singâ?
â??You self indulgent wankerâ?
â??Just get on with the fucking showâ?