ten foot cock & a few hundred virgins

Tim Minchin

So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins

So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO
And when the Lord comes down with his shimmering chariot of salvation
Your gonna be the first to know

So if
God was there from the very beginning
He invented men and women
Then He also invented wanking
Then He said wanking was sinning
So now if Iââ?¬â?¢m feeling randy
Iââ?¬â?¢m not allowed a hand shandy
But having sex with my family
That is just fucking great
Itââ?¬â?¢s all there in Ezekiel 8
Just before he opens up His big pearly gates
And says that itââ?¬â?¢s a sin
To take it up the date
Even if itââ?¬â?¢s great
Even with your mate

So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at the greener grass
And when the Lord comes down with his shiny rod of judgement
Heââ?¬â?¢s gonna kick my heathen ass

So if you
Cover the bodies of your women
Everybody is grinning
Because black is so slimming
Though itââ?¬â?¢s not great for swimming
But it gives you an erection
With the increased sexual tension
What with the UV protection
That is second to none
Youââ?¬â?¢ll find it all in the Koran
Just next to the bit that justifies guns
And says that itââ?¬â?¢s a sin
To take it up the bum
Even if itââ?¬â?¢s fun
Even with permission from your mum

So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at eternity
And when the Lord comes down and I havenââ?¬â?¢t done my penance
Heââ?¬â?¢s gonna disembowel me

You say that
If I
Stumbled on a watch Iââ?¬â?¢d assume it hade a watchmaker
That a muffin presupposes a baker
So we must agree sooner or later
This proves thereââ?¬â?¢s a creator
So if I put your foot in a stinker
Youââ?¬â?¢d assume the existence of a sphincter
Thus you donââ?¬â?¢t need to be a great thinker
To conclude that Godââ?¬â?¢s a bum
Which negates the words of Genesis 1
Which make him out to be so much fun
Until Adam succumbed
To temptation
And then his only son
Got nailed to a gum

Or the Middle East equivalent
Which suggest that Godââ?¬â?¢s omniscience
Is nullified by his ambivalence
Unless it turns out that heââ?¬â?¢s impotent
And if God canââ?¬â?¢t get a boner
I guess that explains the plethora
Of huge erections in His honour
Cos we all know a steeple is just a subconscious, compensatory manifestation of a huge, stiff penis
And still He tell us that itââ?¬â?¢s heinous
To stick a penis up your anus
Even if youââ?¬â?¢re famous
Even if you like tennis

So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So youââ?¬â?¢re gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO
And when the Lord comes down with his big, stiff, slimy rod of judgement
Iââ?¬â?¢m gonna be the first to go
Heââ?¬â?¢s gonna send me down below
Heââ?¬â?¢s gonna whip me like a ho
Dââ?¬â?¢ya really think so?
Iââ?¬â?¢m gonna be the first to go