hello

Tim Minchin

Hello
Welcome to my show
Iââ?¬â?¢m glad that you could come
Weââ?¬â?¢re gonna have a hoot
Weââ?¬â?¢re gonna have some fun

Sit back
Put your feet up and relax
I hope youââ?¬â?¢ve had a drink or three
The more youââ?¬â?¢ve drunk
The better I will be

And if you have a mobile phone
Please turn it off
ââ?¬¦
Thank you

And if you have Touretteââ?¬â?¢s syndrome
Just do whatever it is you people do

And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
Maybe you should chuff off home
Cos itââ?¬â?¢s only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
From now on
ââ?¬¦
Cunt

My name is Tim
I write funny songs and sing
And if you donââ?¬â?¢t think funny songs are funny
Well I respect your right
To think exactly what you like
But youââ?¬â?¢re sure as shit not getting back your money

And if you write for a newspaper Iââ?¬â?¢d just like to say
That I read your publication every single day
And I agree with absolutely everything you say
I think youââ?¬â?¢re the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer
Writing on the subject of the arts
But if you write a bad review
I promise you Iââ?¬â?¢ll come round to your house
And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
Iââ?¬â?¢ll lay turds!
In all your plants!
Your indoor plants!
Your potted indoor plants!

Hello
Welcome to my show
Iââ?¬â?¢m glad you all could come
Itââ?¬â?¢s time for a little audience participation
Sing, ââ?¬Å?yeahââ?¬
Sing, ââ?¬Å?yeahââ?¬
Sing, ââ?¬Å?ooo yeahââ?¬
Sing, ââ?¬Å?I am an audience memberââ?¬
ââ?¬Å?Why are you making me singââ?¬
ââ?¬Å?You self indulgent wankerââ?¬
ââ?¬Å?Just get on with the fucking showââ?¬