the legend of miss baltimore crabs

Hairspray

TRACY
Well, I brought my own 45s, so if you put em on, I ll show you my stuff!

LOU ANN
Haven t you already shown us enough?

{The Council Girls snicker.)

VELMA
Oh my god
How times have changed
This girl s either blind
Or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When i was Miss Baltimore Crabs

Childhood dreams
For me were cracked
When that damn shirley temple
Stole my frickin act
But the crown s in the vault
From when i won Miss Baltimore Crabs

Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But i screwed the judges
Those broads thought they d win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Not a chance!

Cause i hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting high c s
And preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Was how i clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs !

VELMA
Proceed...

TAMMY
Are you scared we re on live?

TRACY
No, I m sure i can cope!

AMBER
Well, this show isn t broadcast
in...

COUNCIL GIRLS
...Cinemascope!

VELMA
I never drank one chocolate malt
No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

SHELLEY
How many sweaters do you own?

TRACY
Well, I m sure I ve got plenty
Let s see, I have three...five?...
Wait, I have twenty!!

VELMA
I would say oy gevalt
If i wasn t Miss Baltimore Crabs !

A tycoon i wed
So cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead
But left tons of money
So i bought this station

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS
So all of the nation
Could see

VELMA
Baby amber and me!

AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?

LINK
Amber, there s no need to be cruel!

VELMA
Would you swim in an integrated pool?

(The Council Members gasp.J

TRACY
I sure would. I m all for
integration, it s The New
Frontier!

VELMA
Not in Baltimore it isn t! And may i be frank?

First impressions can be tough
And when i saw you, i knew it
If your size weren t enough
Your last answer just blew it!

And so, my dear, so short and stout
You ll never be in

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS
So we re kicking you out!

VELMA
You can t get past me kid
But it isn t your fault

VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS
It s hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore...

VELMA
...Crabs!

You may go.

TRACY
Um... thank you?

PENNY
Gee Tracy, that went well!

(Li l Inez runs on.)

LI L INEZ
Hello Ma am, may I please
audition?

VELMA
No, but you can bow and exalt!
Cause i was Miss Baltimore...

VELMA & THE COUNCIL MEMBERS
...Crabs !
Crabs, Crabs!!!