i don t feel alive

Chelsea Cutler

Skin and bones, stomach aches
Lucid dreams, hold my breath
When I m wide awake
Connecticut, dissociate
Maybe I should buy a house
In a town upstate

If I could, I d wake myself up
when I am somebody that I m proud of

I m getting undressed for my lover
And praying she don t hate all my skin like I do
I m reading books and drinking coffee
Stepping on a scale I keep in the bathroom
The water goes downhill, and still
I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly
And I don t feel alive, no, I don t feel alive

Telehealth, TV episodes
Swallow seeds, but the fruit never seems to grow
Validat?, what I know
What I believe in and ?verywhere I wanna go

If I could, I d wake myself up
when I am somebody that I m proud of

I m paying three different psychologists
Trying to remember who I told what story to
I m writing feelings in a journal
Cuz that s what people
who have their shit together seem to do
The water goes downhill, and still
I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly
And I don t feel alive, no, I don t feel alive

I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my
I keep coming up for air
and ending up with water in my lungs

I m learning how to set my boundaries
How to have compassion for myself and for my mind
I m turning off my fucking cell phone
And trying to have honest conversations in real life
The water goes downhill, and still
I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly
And I don t feel alive, no, I don t feel alive

I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my
I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my
I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my
I keep coming up for air and ending up
with water in my lungs