MELHORES MÚSICAS / MAIS TOCADAS
jon lajoie - 2 girls 1 cup song
How do you show someone you love
That they are the one
So many ways to express love
It's hard to choose just one
How you gonna do it
Refrão 1
Some people like to kiss, some people like to hug,
Some lesbians like eating each other's shit out of a cup
Some people say "i love you," some even shout it out
Some people puke semi-digested shit into each other's mouths
Sometimes making love's not enough,
You have to step it up
And urinating on her face
Is not enough to say "i love you"
Refrão 2
She's covered in vomit and human feces
That how i know that she needs me
jon lajoie - alone in the universe
We're floating in space on the edge of time
In a universe that we can't define
Billions of stars in the endless night
Try and find purpose for our lives
Yet we still take the time (still take the time)
Yes we always take the time
To masturbate oohhh
To milk the snake
Girls do the taco hand shake
I'm gonna hold my sausage hostage, tonight
Wheter you're English, French, Japanesse, or German
Whether you're at home or at a movie with Pee Wee Herman
We all take matters into our own hands
With the five finger army we invade our pants
We'd all be doing time (yes we'd all be doing time)
If it was a crime
To Masterbate ooohhhh
To pull the hand brake
To play vagina dj
She's gonna play country on the clitar, tonight
He burps his baby
She's putting on a puppet show
Our genitals are Juliet
Our hands are Romeo
He chokes his chicken
She tickles her camel toe
Our genitals are Ju....
2 Hours Later
That Marisa Tomei is HOTT
Our genitals are Juliet
Our hands are Romeo
I'm gonna play ball on team penis, tonight
jon lajoie - chatroulette song
I thought maybe I'd find a friend
Or maybe I'd meet a girl
Have a great conversation with a stranger on the other side of the world
Or maybe learn something new
About a culture or a place
Connect with another human been,but everytime i press New Game....
All I see is guys jerking off
Guys jerking off
Just penises and cocks
And guys jerking them off
Hold on,this guy is not jerking off
Maybe he is like me,and he just wants to talk
Hi,How are you?
Nope,there it goes....
Ah,dude,that is a lot of cum!
jon lajoie - cold blooded christmas
It was late at night on Christmas eve
I was dreaming of the soft white snow
I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree
What it was i did not know
It was Santa clause he was bringing me some gifts
Unfortunately i did not know that
So i quietly snuck up behind him
And i shot him five times in the back
It went pow pow pow pow pow
He said "what the xxxx ow ow ow"
Then i shot him three more times in the head
Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead
That's when i noticed his blood-soaked beard
And his red suit filled with bullet holes
I said "oh my god i killed Santa clause
I'm not going to jail for this asshole"
So i went to my shed and i got my saw
And i started to choppipty chop chop
I started with his arms then his legs then his head
And then the torso was a really long job
And the blood went spurt spurt spurt
It was really hard work work work
It was hard cutting through his spine
I must have vomited sixteen times
I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace
The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose
Eleven hours later there was nothing left
And that's when i heard my telephone
It was auntie jean looking for uncle bob
She said "he left the house dressed as Santa clause
But he didn't come home last night
Have you seen him god i hope he's alright"
jon lajoie - different kind of trees
There are so many different kinds of trees
There are so many different kinds of trees
There are so many different kinds of trees
There are so many different kinds of trees
There is this kind of tree
And this kind of tree.
There is also this kind of tree
Or this kind of tree.
There are so many different kinds of trees
There are so many different kinds of trees
jon lajoie - everyday normal crew
Hey yo! Fuck NWA (Get the fuck outta here).
Fuck G Unit (fuck that shit).
Fuck D12 (motherfucker!).
Get the fuck out of the way (fuck you bitch!).
Normal motherfucking crew (motherfucker!).
Everyday normal crew (what?! what?! what?! what?!).
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
You can fuck with us ?cause we won?t fuck with you.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
Once a month we get drunk and watch Terminator 2.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
If you?re hot bitches we?re too shy to talk to you.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
And we get joy spending time with our families.
This is my bro J-A to the S-O-N yo,
the best at Mike Tyson?s Punch Out on Nintendo.
From Glass Joe to Macho Man, yo he fucks shit up,
then Tyson goes down with a star upper-cut.
And he?s also pretty good at Super Mario 3,
but he doesn?t use the flutes cause he doesn?t like cheats.
Like the Contra code that he really doesn?t like,
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,
then B, A, B, A, Select, Start you got 30 lives.
He says that shit?s for pussies who don?t know how to fight.
Yo this my man cheese, better known as cheese bread,
We call him that ?cause every time he gets out of bed
he puts 5 slices of cheese on 5 slices of bread.
Microwaves that shit, eats it, then goes back to bed.
Sleeps 12 hours a day and he doesn?t like Asian food.
That?s right bitches, he doesn?t like Asian food.
He doesn?t like the taste of soy sauce,
personally I love that shit but he does not.
Yo Ben is my friend that owns every DVD
from Goonies to Time Cop to Beverly Hills Cop 3.
Dark Knight, First Knight, A Knight?s Tale, and Knight Rider,
He even owns the motherfucking movie Street Fighter.
I borrow them from him I never pay to rent a movie,
as long as I take care of the box and don?t scratch the DVD,
cause last week I borrowed City Slickers and it got scratched,
I was hoping that he wouldn?t notice when I brought it back.
but he did and he was pissed so I apologized to him
and he forgave me and I asked him if I could borrow the movie Twins.
He was reluctant to do so, but he knows I love DeVito,
with Schwarzenegger, that?s a motherfucking comedic duo!
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
we own our tickets to Alanis Morissette in June.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
we bust gats and cadillacs in Grand Theft Auto 2.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
no party is a party without a Phil Collins too.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
And when one of us gets a haircut we make fun of them.
Yo this is D and he?s a big fucking wrestling fan,
Monday Night Raw, Smackdown, and all the shit from the past.
Like Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulkamania,
Every year he travels to attend WrestleMania.
It may come as no surprise that he?s never had sex,
but it doesn?t bother him ?cause he has the internet.
He jerks off to freaky shit like 2 Girls 1 Cup,
he?s fucked up I tried watching it I fucking threw up.
This my nigga KC (What the fuck did you just call me?),
Sorry?I?ll say friend.
This is my friend KC the only black friend in the crew,
not because we?re racist every race is welcome in the group.
Truthfully he?s a friend of a friend I don?t know him that well,
but not because he?s black my favorite actors are Denzel?
and Samuel L. Jackson, I also like Bill Paxton,
but not because he?s white, but because of his acting.
This is my friend Cleo, she really likes the Beatles,
her favorite is McCartney and her least favorite is Ringo.
A year ago I asked her to go on a date with me she said no,
she said she?d rather just be friends, I started cryin and ran home.
And since then we rarely make eye contact when we speak,
which is awkward ?cause we all hang out at least two times a week.
Finally, I ain?t me without my best friend Steve,
He?s got my motherfuckin? back although he?s weaker than me.
He?ll probably have a heart attack sometime soon,
but until then he?s my top gun like fucking Tom Cruise.
Jon Lajoie: Say it
Steve: Nah
Jon Lajoie: Say it, c?mon say it.
Steve: Nah
Steve: You want some of this bitch?! Money! Have a nice day bitch!
If you play organized sports say, ?Hell yeah.?
If you watch 24 say, ?Hell yeah.?
If the only ass you see is in porn say, ?Hell yeah.?
If you eat chocolate when you?re bored say, ?Hell yeah.?
I eat chocolate, a lot?when I?m bored. Um, I should stop though?
my metabolism is slowing down. I also like pie?cherry?rhubarb.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
the joke?s getting old I fucking agree with you.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
I just repeat the same shit from Normal Guy 1 and 2.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
What a twist with this one I rapped about my friends too.
We just a regular everyday normal crew,
I think this cow?s been milked dry?motherfucker!
Steve: You want some of this bitch? You?ll never get it?it?s gonna go right up my asshole.
jon lajoie - everyday normal guy
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
Nothing special about me Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
When I go to the clubs I wait in line Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
I got 600 dollars In the bank Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
And my sexual performances is average
I work at customer service for a phone company
I make 12 bucks an hour but that's all I need
I live in a small apartment on a quiet street
I don't go out too much I like to watch TV
I cant afford a car I use public transportation
I don't mind I read 'til I reach my destination
sometimes a newspaper, sometimes a book
the amount of money I save this shit is off the hook
And i am not very good with the women
I'm a pretty shy person and I'm average looking
last time I had sex was in 2003
and I am ashamed to admit but it wasn't free
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
I get nervous in social situations Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
I get constipated once a month Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
And i make pretty good spaghetti sauce Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
and I get scared when I go see the dentist
I'm the "Pauly Shore" of everyday life
easily forgettable and I am not very liked
I have an "According to Jim" personality
I'm as entertaining as a fucking STD
if you wanna mess with me I think you probably can
because I am not confident and i am weak for a man
I'll just roll up in a ball while you kick me in the back, yeah
honestly I probably wont fight back
And I don't have many friends that would back me up
My friend Steve would but he doesn't look very tough
If you rarely get laid put your hands up
If you're not well paid put your hands up
If you got a pet cat put your hands up
and if you got a bad back put your hands up
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
My parents are really nice people Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
I am somewhat afraid of heights Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
I like the show "Greys Anatomy" Mother Fucka
I am just a regular everyday normal guy...
and I am pretty good at making paper planes
jon lajoie - fuck everything
Yo. all the rappers claim to not give a fuck.
Well step aside bitches, cause
I give the lowest amount of fuck humanly possible.
What?!
(i don't a give a fuck...)
About anything, fuck everyone and fuck everything, what
(i don't give a fuck...)
I literally don't give a fuck about anything
I don't give a fuck about motherfuckin' anything
People care about shit, i say fuck everything
Fuck you, fuck me, fuck the sky, fuck trees, fuck the sun
I don't need heat or vitamin d!
And fuck toasters. i don't need to cook my bread
And fuck coasters. i use a little plate instead
And fuck roosters. with their useless cockadoodledoo
We invented the alarm clocks, we no longer need you
Don't give a fuck about chairs. i prefer to stand
And fuck air conditioners - i got a ceiling fan
And fuck the the movie the fan, staring wesley snipes
Demolition man's the only snipes' movie i like
And fuck liking shit. i don't even like the stuff that i like
Don't give a fuck about not liking all the shit i don't like
Like tissues. fuck them! i blow my nose on the couch
And fuck my nostrils and my senses now
i breathe through my mouth
Don't give a fuck about seeing bitch, fuck my eyes
Fuck physical perception yo, i'd rather be blind
Fuck time, seconds are too short and minutes are a joke
And hour is way too long, it should be half an hour at most
And fuck coasts, who gives a fuck about
where water meets land
And fuck boats, just because you float
you think you're so fucking bad
And fuck jokes, i don't need to be funny all the time
My dog has a tumor and he's probably gonna die, but...
(i don't a give a fuck...)
About anything, fuck everyone and fuck everything, what
(i don't give a fuck...)
I literally don't give a fuck about anything
Walked into a coffee shop and ordered a cup
The girl says "small, medium, large?"
I said "bitch, i don't give a fuck!"
She said "i can't process your order if you don't pick a size"
I said "fine, i'll take a large, but i still don't give a fuck, alright?"
Don't give a fuck about beverage size options motherfucker
And i don't give a fuck about liquids either
They're all wet and shit and tend to spill all over the place
Like human semen when i get it all over my face
I'm not gay, i just don't give a fuck about straight sex
And fuck my dick, i'll pee and cum out of my mouth instead.
Fuck biological functions, fuck the human body
I prefer the body of a bat with the head of a coyote
I call myself "batyote" and i fight crime at night
I know its similar to batman but motherfuck copyright
I plagiarize all the time, i do it everyday
Cause i'm on the right track baby, i was born this way
And fuck birth, entering the world of space & time is a bitch
Searching for purpose in the random universe sucks dick
Is it deterministic or am i free to choose my way
Did i choose to not give a fuck about ice cube trays
If i want ice i'll go to the fucking corner store and buy a bag
Filling you up and waiting for the water to freeze
is a motherfucking drag
You know what? fuck the word fuck, i don't need to use it
I'll replace it with the word chainsaw for this chorus
(i don't a give a chainsaw...)
About anything, chainsaw everyone
and chainsaw everything, what
(i don't give a chainsaw...)
I literally don't give a chainsaw about anything
If there was a contest to see who doesn't give a fuck the most
I wouldn't win cause i don't give a fuck about winning yo
I don't even give a fuck about not giving a fuck,
So i do give a fuck... wait, what?
(i give a fuck...)
About everything, i love everyone and care about everything
(i give a fuck...)
I literally care about every motherfucking thing
jon lajoie - high as fuck
Have you ever watched the sun go down?
And you're thinking bout' the world spinning round
Have you ever been high as fuck?
You're in the bathroom mirror talking to yourself
And your dog's looking at you like you need help
Have you ever been high as fuck?
And then you feel your heart pumping really fast
And you're convinced that you're gonna have a heart attack
Have you ever been high as fuck?
You close your eyes and you're on a chicken farm
The only problem's that the chickens have human arms
You say "that's fucked up, why do the chickens have human arms?"
You need snacks so you walk to the corner store
But you're scared because you think that they will know you're high
So you walk around the block to buy some time
You finally decide to go into the store
But you're so high you don't know why you're there anymore
So you just buy a pack of gum and get the hell out of there
You're walking home and you're mouth is dry
You should have bought some juice and snacks
But you were too high
Thinking 'bout ketchup chips
And for some reason the game battleship
And you start thinking about how fun it was to play games
like battleship when you were a kid
and how, as we get older we forget how to play and just to enjoy ourselves
so you say "Guess What? I'm gonna make up a game right now
and it involves a baseball bat and a porcupine
and I'm gonna try to kill a porcupine with a baseball bat
but then you don't know where to find a porcupine so
you do a search on ebay but people don't sell porcupines on the internet
and you say "Guess what world?" you've got me cornered again
I'm gonna roll another joint
You ever eat a whole bag of crackers that were so old
That they weren't crispy anymore?
Have you ever been high... as fuck?
jon lajoie - i kill people
Did you miss me
Oooh, yeah
What, what
MC Vagina's right back in this bitch
Two thousand nine is the year that I recorded this song
Still not loving police
Still got love for the vaginal crease
Player haters beware, because
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
Hey punkass gangsters, what you lookin' at
You think you can front with me, you better watch your back
Because I have a lot of guns and I can shoot them good
I'm a menace from society, a boy on the hood
I'm invincible like Bruce Willis in the movie "Invincible"
I'm invisible like... well, I'm not really invisible
I'm bad like the movie "Attack of the clones"
I'm dangerous like a fire in a nursing home
Old people burning, old people burning
Put your hands up
Old people burning, old people burning
That's kinda messed up
What, what, you got a problem with this
Maybe I should kick you in the face with my fist
Because on top of guns I know karate and ninja stuff
So if you'll come at me I'll trip you then I'll suck your nuts
I-i mean I'll punch your nuts
Sucking them would be gay and I'm totally not gay
I'm all about V.A.G.I.N.A.
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
If a guy messes with me I shoot him with my load
All over his chest and face and down his throat
'Cos I don't give a fuck, I'm crazy, like Mel Gibson
No, wait, that just makes me sound racist
Listen, I buy a lot of expensive things because I have a lot of money
You can't afford expensive things 'cos you don't have a lot of money
Ha-ha, you want these things, but you cannot afford them
That means that you're not cool, 'cos you're just a poor person
Stupid poor people, stupid poor people
I have more money than you do
Stupid poor people, stupid poor people
You can't even afford food
When I show women my money, they want to have sex with me
And they always have orgasms 'cos my penis is so big
Twenty five inches long and twelve inches thick
I'm the Anthony Hopkins of cock, the Albert Einstein of dick
I'm the Beatles of cumshots, the Mozart of huge balls
The Anne Frank of erections
No... that's inappropriate
Everybody knows that my rhymes are really tight
Like an extra large condom on my penis, that's right
My lyrics are like the movie "The Shawshank Redemption"
They're really good
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
Guns don't kill people, uh uh
I kill people with guns
Pow
I've killed so many people that I don't even remember how many people I've killed
But it's probably around seven... thousand
Two thousand five plus four pennies representing the north side
C to the anada, bitch
Oh, yeah, women are actually good for four things
Cooking, cleaning, vaginas and their sisters' vaginas
jon lajoie - in different ways
I can see it in your eyes, girl
That you're in the mood for love
So I light some candles,
Pour some wine
Come, sit down on the rug.
But there's something
I must tell you, babe...
Before we take this step... Something about me girl
That you do not know yet...
I have no penis!
It was torn off...
In a bicycle accident in 1999
I also lost one testicle
So all have is a weird uni-ball and a rubber tube
Between my legs.
But, babe, I can love you in a different ways...
I'll make love to you with the rubber tube that I use for urinating
I'll just tape two popsicle sticks around it to make it esier for penetrating
And having only one ball
Isn't always a bad thing
It's like a pool ball in a pillow case
It's like a cherry on the sundae
'Cause, girl, I have no penis
I have no cock!
If it looks like i have a ball
It's just 'cause I stuffed it with a sock
Girl, I know that you're afraid
But I promise, baby, if you stay...
I'll put a cucumber in the microwave
And then, I'll love you in different...
ways.
Just because I don't have a cock,
It doesn't mean I can't rock.
(3x)
Don't be fooled by my leck of a cock
I'm still trying to fill the block hole ohhh yeahhhhh!
jon lajoie - pop song
girl im a sexual attractive man
that makes me a good artist
this is my new single
i hope you like it
wealthy men hired me
to sing this song
that they wrote for me
theyre investing in
this quasi music video
and theyre paying
to get a bid on the radio
Yeah theyre gunna sell a million
yea its gunna go plat- in - um
cause theyll market this song
to young impressionable
and insecure teenage girls
cause all you gotta say is
ohh baby i love you
and girl i need you in my world
cause theyll market this song
to young impressionable
and insecure teenage girls
Cause all they gotta do
is find a sexually attractive man
that can sing all the words
and now the token rap verse
that doesnt make any sense
but helps to get a small percentage
of the urban music market
hey baby baby i can tell
that you are crazy crazy
shake that ass girl
my rhymes are gettin lazy lazy
these things im talkin bout have
nothin to do with the song baby
it doesnt matter
wont you show me that thong baby
thats how it works
in the pop music industry
2009 mother fucker
thats just how it be
cause theyll market this song
to young impressionable
and insecure teenage girls
cause all you gotta say is
ohh baby i love you
and girl i need you in my world
cause they'll market this song
to young impressionable
and insecure teenage girls
Cause all they gotta do
is find a sexually attractive man
that can sing all the words
now im singing with my gay voice
to let you know that im sensitive
oh yea im singing with my gay voice
teenage girls love a sensitive boy
make money etc
rich men makin money off of
their investments
ooh its so sexual baby
girl i love you so much
i wish we could be together
unfortunately we cant cause
im rich and famous and you're not
but why dont you just go buy my album
and tell your friends about it to
so they also go out and buy it
jon lajoie - radio friendly song
It starts off like a thousand other songs that you've heard before
Except in this one they do a little doo, doo, roo roo, doo, doo, doo, doo.
So you try to change the statio but it's playing on everyone
A bunch of shitty ass chords and lyrics recorded by a fucking moron
And you assume that the general public is not that stupid
And you're positive that nobody will want to listen to this
But you are wrong!
They wanna know the stupid motherfucking lame cock sucking, cookie - cutter
radio friendly song, and everyone sings along in their cars and at the mall
And in the office they all love the new radio friendly song
Unoriginal melody!
Why did John Lennon had to be the one to get shot?
Something's wrong.
While these douchebags are all still alive singing this ass-licking songs
All those fucking unoriginal pussies that don't have anything to say
I'm not homophobic but this song is so fucking gay!
You can barely retain the vomit that's rising in your throat
And you assume that everyone will think that this song is terrible
But you are wrong!
They wanna know the stupid motherfucking lame cock sucking, cookie - cutter
radio friendly song, and everyone sings along in their cars and at the mall
And in the office they all love the new radio friendly
Piece of shit, oh what a sucky ass piece of shit
I'd rather shoot myself in the face than listen to this corporate bitch singin' a
They wanna know the stupid motherfucking lame cock sucking, cookie - cutter
radio friendly piece of shit!
God i hate this shit
jon lajoie - show me your genitals
Women are stupid, and I don't respect them,
That's right, I just have sex with them,
Show me your genitals, your genitals,
(What!)
Show me your genitals,
(Your genitalia!)
Show me your genitals, your genitals,
(What!)
Show me your genitals,
(Your genitalia!)
You're talking to me about stuff, why?
I'd rather see your titties,
Now you're talking to me about other stuff, why?
I'd much rather see your titties,
I can't have sex with your personality,
And I can't put my penis in your college degree,
And I can't shove my fist in your childhood dreams,
So why're you sharing all this information with me?
It's not sexist 'cause I'm saying it in a song,
That's right bitch, now take off your thong, and...
Show me your genitals, your genitals,
(What!)
Show me your genitals,
(Your genitalia!)
Show me your genitals, your genitals,
(What!)
Show me your genitals,
(Your genitalia!)
Knock knock, who's there?
It's me, wondering why you're not naked,
Knock knock, who's there?
Me again, still wondering why you're not naked,
I wanna see your bum, I don't care what you say,
No I don't have feelings, 'cause feelings are gay,
Something something in the month of May,
Bitches love my penis 'cause it's really big,
Girl's brains are much stupider than men's are,
So they should always listen to us, 'cause we're smart,
Women are only good for three things,
Cooking, cleaning, and vaginas,
Show me your genitals, your genitals,
(What!)
Show me your genitals,
(Your genitalia!)
Show me your genitals, your genitals,
(What!)
Show me your genitals,
(Your genitalia!)
I can give good sex to you,
'Cause I'm really good at sex,
I can give good sex to you,
'Cause I'm really good at sex,
Aww yeah, that's right,
Shake your...bums,
I'm out of here,
I gotta...go have sex with a lot of girls.
jon lajoie - song for britney
Britney, I can feel your sadness.
The world is filled with madness,
and everybody takes it out on you
and there's nothing you can do but
girl I want you to know
that I'm not one of those
because I don't care what they all say,
I'd still have sex with you any day any day.
Britney, nobody really knows you.
Yet they all think they can judge you.
Although I'm not a fan of your music,
the way they treat you girl it makes me sick and,
just know that I can hear your cries
and I'd still love to get between those thighs,
because I don't care what they all say,
I'd still have sex with you any day... any day.
And if you want to marry meeeeee,
as long as I don't have to sign a pre-nup
I agreeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(so that if, God forbid, we ever get a divorce,
I'd be legally entitled to half of your estate.)
because I don't care what they all say,
no I don't care what they all say,
I'd still tap that ass any day.
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