Playlist Epic Rap Battles Of History

epic rap battles of history - billy mays vs ben franklin

I'm big ben franklin and this shan't be pretty
Let me instruct you how we battle in the city of philly
You couldn't sell rick james a bag of crack, you're out of practice
My victory more certain than death or taxes
Fact is you're a hack, wack qvc joke
You peddle soap that cleans bird shit from my windows
I'll craft a lyrical coffin and then spit the nails in
Call me arthur miller son, cause it's death of a salesman

Hi billy mays here with a special tv offer
Watch me crush this bald fat foppish founding father
I'll take my awesome auger and sow your quaker oats
I'll shoot your rhymes down like a regiment of red coats
I'm lord of the pitch and leader in home sales
You're just a lumpy pumpkin who invented the mail
Benny's got kite'n key but you're in for a shock
When I strike you with bolts from my lightning rod cock

Stop I protest these intolerable raps
It takes just one easy payment for me to whoop your ass
Cause I'm mint I'm money I'm an educated gentleman
So join or die bill cause it's all about the benjamin

But wait there's more!

You following me camera guy? cause it's about to get furious
You're gonna love my nuts until you're bi-focal-curious
Your boy george chopped down trees you couldn't break a piece of balsa
Slap chop your face make a double chin salsa
Your style's so broke they call you poor richard
It's bad enough I got to see you every time I tip a stripper
Vince against a founding father is just too bad
Cause after this america is gonna lose a dad

epic rap battles of history - cleopatra vs marilyn monroe

Whose rap flow's the dopest?
Marilyn monroe's is
Overthrow pharaohs
Who oppose me like moses

You could never kick my ass
So kiss my clitoris
This ugly hag and Kassemg
Got maching noses

You betta hold more
Than your skirt miss please
I'm the queen of the nile
So just bow down to me

Plus you got so much experience
Down on your knees
Married a writer
But I don't even think, y
U can read

You'll sleep with any ugly dude
Who says he likes it hot
Even Joe Dimaggio
Took a swing, in your batters box

I'm a descendant of the gods
Don't anger me trick
You'll lose this battle
Like your bout with barbiturates

I had some ugly boys
But you're forgetting the others
Marlon Brando and the kennedys
While you fucked your own brothers

You think you so chic
Up in your fancy palace
Getting' Lo on Marc Antony
Tossing Caesar's salad

You wear too much eye liner
For anyone to adore you
You might as well be working
The door at Sephora

I got an ass that won't quit
You had an asp and got bit
On the tit
Somebody wrap this bitch
Back up in a carpet

You still got no children
After your third marriage
You lost so many babies
We should call you Miss Carriage

You got an hourglass figure
But that's about it
I candle in the wind
That can't act for shit

Translate this into hieroglyphs
Your sandy vagina
Has a Seven Year Itch

My best friends are diamonds
You can't beat me
Quit trippin'
Step off and walk your ass home
Like an Egyptian

epic rap battles of history - columbus vs captain kirk

Arrivederci
I'mma leave before this battle begins

Cause we both know in the end which of these captains
gonna win

I'll show you how a real explorer handles a situation
I'll beat you so bad they'll feel it in the next generation
So bring it on
I'll whip you like a klingon
My rhymes will burrow in your ears like the wrath of khan
I've got a neck chop for spock I'll put my sword through sulu
Check into a priceline hotel and watch your fat ass on hulu

I'm the enterprising captain james tiberius kirk
Representing riverside iowa, planet earth
I hear you call yourself an explorer
But I'm just not having it
You discovered a new world that was already inhabited
Why don't you boldly go someplace
you've never gone before like india
Or any destination you actually set sail for
You spaghetti eating fuck
How's your spice rack doing?
I'll be chilling in my spaceship
Have fun canoeing

You know rapping against you it's not even fun
It's like somebody set your brains on stun
I am the fabric of history, you are a fictional stain
I'll stick a flag up your ass and claim you for spain!

Mr. spock beam me back to 1492 so
I can beat this man like it's my job
We'll see how isabella likes my captain's log
It's kobayashi for you, there's no way you could win
When your weak crew sees me approaching
They'll be like, dammit it's jim
I'll double-fist-punch you, you slave making bitch!
Now, take your genocidal ass off of my bridge

epic rap battles of history - einstein vs stephen hawking

Albert Einstein:

When I apply my battle theory
Minds are relatively blown
So take a seat Steve
Oop, I see you brought your own
What's with your voice?
I can't frickin tell
You sound like WALL-E
Having sex with a Speak & Spell
I'll school you anywhere
MIT to Oxford
All your fans will be like
"Um, that was Hawk-ward"
I'm as dope as two rappers
You better be scared
Cause that means Albert E
Equals M C squared (E=Mc²)

Stephen Hawking:

You've got no idea
What you're messing with here boy
I got twelve inch rims on my chair that's how roll y'all
You look like someone glued
A mustache on a troll doll
I'll be stretching out the rhyme
Like gravity stretches time
When you try to put your little p-brane
Against this kind of mind
I'm the best
I'm the Snoop Dog of science
I'll be dropping mad apples on your head
From the shoulders of giants

Albert Einstein:

I'm the giant whose shoulders
You'd have stood on
If you could stand
I'll give you a brief history of pain
With the back of my hand
You can't destroy matter or me
For serious, ripping hole in you
Bigger than the hole
In your black hole theory was

Stephen Hawking:

There are ten mile mile mile mile
Mile mile mile mile mile
Particles in the universe
That we can observe
Your mama took the ugly ones
And put them into one nerd
You wanna bring the heat
With the mushroom clouds you're making
I'm about to bake raps from scratch
Like Carl Sagan
And while it's true
That my work is based on you
I'm a super computer
You're like a TI-82

WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE

epic rap battles of history - gandalf vs dumbledore

Gandalf:
You show not pass!
I rap fast like shadowfax
Tom riddle me this you bitch
Howâ??s your little wand
Going to beat my staff?
I leave mics in flames torched by gandalf touch mine, dumbledore and scorch your other hand off
You fool, you got snaped
Youâ??re not a real fighter
Death makes you die
It just make my brights brighter
You ass is like gringotts
Everyone makes a deposit
We all know youâ??ve more thana boggart in your closet

Dumbledore:
The prophecy fogot to mention this day
When I knocked your ass back to gandolf the grey
Check your status
They call me headmaster
Youâ??re nothing
Nice staff
You compensating for something?
I prefer the company of wizards and Iâ??m proud of it
You try to win your battles with two fat hobbits
You think your hairy toed friends are gonna harm me?
Wait a minute theyâ??ll taste the dumbledoreâ??s army.

Gandalf:
Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks
I donâ??t give a fawkes about your order of phoenix
Iâ??ll tie a new knot in your beard with your wrinkly balls
For I am the one rapper to rule them all

Dumbledore:
Your spells are a joke
Not funny ones either
Mines of moria?
Ha
More like mind of mencia
Iâ??ll expecto my patronum on your face you little snitch
And when Iâ??m finished
Imma fly like a quidditch

epic rap battles of history - genghis khan vs the easter bunny

How you gonna battle
I invented hip hoppin
My little tail swinging and my big ears flopping
The easter bunny baby
I deserve to be arrogant
You ugly
Rapist
Pelt wearing barbarian
Uuuu, what you gonna do?
You've got a bucket on your head and a fu manchu!
The great wall couldn't keep you out of china
Watch me rub my foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina

Ha, ha, ha, come on!
Your bunny ass about to feel the wrath of kahn
Silly rabbit
You'll need more than luck
You've got two giant ears
But can't hear that you suck
I drive a mongol hoard
Your army is weak
What?
You going to attack me with a posse of peeps?
I'll bite off your tail and punch your teeth down your throat
Then butcher your family
And make a new coat

Take it easy baby
No need for this meanness
We should keep it peaceful
Homeboy
Jesus
I give people candy
You just like to pillage
Why don't you get out of my face
And go back to your village

From poland to korea
I ravaged the land
Now my d.n.a's in dudes
From new york to japan
Hah!
Easter my ass
You're not in the bible
You're a fluffy bitch mascot for hallmark in denial

epic rap battles of history - justin bieber vs beethoven

[Intro]
Epic Rap Battles Of History
Justin Bieber Vs Ludwig Van Beethoven
Begin

[Justin Drew Bieber - Alex Farnham]

Look what the cat dragged back from the dead
Man it looks like Chewbacca wiped his ass on your head
Iâ??m the next the next Michael Jackson,
You smell like Bette White, hereâ??s some aspirin
Youâ??re catching Bieber fever tonight
Because my voice is incredible
And your music is terrible
Who even listens to Classical anyway?
Even Elise wants to do me
And now that youâ??re right next to me
I can understand why they used a dog
To play you in the movies

[Ludwig Van Beethoven - Nice Peter]

Sit down, son
And let me give you a music lesson
Ask Bach,
I got more cock than Smith and Wesson
Never say Never?
Youâ??ll never be forgetting
Iâ??ve crafted masterpieces
That will last throughout the ages
Your music gets you bitche on your Facebook pages
Iâ??m committing verbal murder in the major third degree
My name is Beethoven, motherfucker
Maybe youâ??ve heard of me
Not the Saint Bernard Version
Iâ??m the real O.G.
You wanna trade blows?
You canâ??t even hit puberty!

[Justin Drew Bieber - Alex Farnham]
I got Kim Kardashian in my bed backstage
Whenâ??s the last time your music got anybody laid?
Iâ??ve got a concert in five, so thereâ??s not much time left
(heh heh heh)
What else can I say?
Your own music made you deaf

[Ludwig Van Beethoven - Nice Peter]
I would smack you but in Germany we donâ??t hit little girls
And Iâ??m glad Iâ??m deaf
So I canâ??t hear that piece of shit
â??My Worldâ?
Thereâ??s a crowd of millions waiting to hear my symphonies
You wanna be a little white Usher?
Here, show them their seats

[Voice Over]
Who won?
Whoâ??s Next?

You decide?

Epic Rap Battles

epic rap battles of history - mario bros vs wright bros

We're the wright brothers and there can't be no other
We don't wanna cause trouble
Are you looking for your lover?
Cause your princess is in our castle now
Yeah she's gone
We stayed up all night playing donkey kong
Before us people only used to fly in balloons
You think we're scared of two idiots addicted to shrooms?
You shoulda would coulda come to lose an extra life
So just dudda dudda dudda
Back down in your pipe

Itsa me mario
And luigi motha...
Why don't you's get back in your biplane
And make out with each other?
Look at these two
Their lives must have been horrible
Two dorky dudes
Named wilbur and orville
You spent all your time on one machine?
Sheesh
If you wanted to fly
You shoulda just eaten this leaf
You should eat something anyway
Look at you so skinny!
You might fly like a hawk
But you like a kitty

We don't need to fight
We're the fathers of flight
Representing north carolina
Aiiiiight
We'll be pressing all your buttons
Like we're the controller
Conquer every level of your 2d scroller
You talk a lot of trash but let me tell you something
We're gonna beat you so fat
It's like we're holding down the b button

We're serving up an 8-bit fist
Made to order
That'll knock you off the back
Of your own stupid quarters
Like pow
How you like me now?
Spit flames out our months
Like our name was bowser
You'll get pummeled
You'll wish you never stumbled
Out your little wind tunnel
We've been dropping ba-bombs
Since we started this song
Sorry wright brothers
This time you chose wrong

epic rap battles of history - master chief vs leonidas

Spartans! ho
Let's start this! ho
Show this petty officer who's the hardest! ho
The biggest mistake that you've ever made
I'll toss you like a frag grenade
I'll stomp you in the face
With my sandals enraged
And tonight we shall rhyme in the shade
Your puny fans are fat nerds on computers
Jerking off to games gives themselves first person shooters
Your armor's hard but my abs are harder
You're in my hood now chief
This is sparta!

Not, so, fast
Cortana says you're greek.
So why don't you stick these lyrics up your ass?
They built a monument to my sins
You're the soldier they need you to be
Ain't no way that you can beat me
Even my initials spell mc
While you and your companions
were all camping in a canyon
Took a campaign to your house
and showed your queen my plasma cannon
They should've thrown your rhymes over the cliff because
they're sickly
You will not enjoy this
But it will be over quickly

Ha! I've had better battles with my 6-year old son
I don't need firepower when I'm rocking these guns
I'm king!
You sleep in a freezer in outer space
I'd look you in the eyes
but you're too much of a bitch to show your face!

You got a bad case of no shirt there fabio flintstone
Your whole plan got messed up
by a hunchback with down syndrome!
300 asses need a kickin'
Get more tea bags than lipton
So why don't you quit your bitchin'?
My trigger finger's itching

epic rap battles of history - mr t vs mr rogers

I pity the fool who tries to step to clubber lang
Call me ba biceps cause I'll crush your whole gang
Bring tuesday, friday and little trolly the train
And watch me dip their ass in gold
And wear 'em like my neck chain ? sucka!
I'll choke you with your own sweater sleeves
You couldn't even beat me in the land of make believe. punk!
I will mr. t bag you, in the closest cemetery
Nobody's gonna miss you cause all your friends imaginary

Hi there neighbor
I hope you don't mind if I change my shoes
I'll be rocking sneakers 'till this battle's over
So I don't get blood from your ugly face on my penny loafers
I like you just the way you are, one in a million,
But it looks like the barber gave your head a brazilian
I pity your neck, mr. gold chains, you've got too many
The only gold I keep is on the shelf in my emmys
I teach the whole world full of children I can tell
You call yourself 't' cause you're too dumb to spell

Who you calling dumb fool?
Mr t. only needs one letter
Hello? it's for you
Bill cosby wants his sweater
You're a 40 year old virgin in a dumpy ass house
I'll get hannibal, murdoch and face to stomp you out
The only pussy cat you ever seen is on henrietta, sucka!
And your mr. mcfeely delivers a lot more than letters
So before you come to battle with your pbs crap
How bout I call up cps about them kids on your lap, fool!

Watch what you say. kids love me more than lunch
I'm not the one with my face on some whack ass captain crunch
When my plan comes together you won't even see it coming
I'll chop you into four black dudes and I'll remake cool runnings
I'll say this once, laurence. I hope it's understood
Get right back in your van
And get the fuck outta my neighborhood

epic rap battles of history - nicepeter vs epiclloyd

This is one vid kid
That you won't ever survive
I'll beat you, dislike you then unsubscribe
You'll be good at rapping someday
I promise bro
But for now just stick to editing
That gay ass monday show
I'll slaughter your water color unicorns
Eat'em for breakfast
Then leak to youtube

Your middle name is alexis
I can tell you're scared
Just from the body language I'm reading
You should start leaving
Look your hairline's already retreating
Nice peter? who's what? no one gives two shits
Everyone knows your page in just place the rap battles live
Dude you're really huge on youtube
You got a great career
But remember you got famous off my idea

The battles were your idea to start with that's no lie
But I'm the one who had the brains
To led a midget play the bad guys
Look at you or let me just tell you what I see

You're a short little sidekick I'll call you mini-me
I drew a mustache on your face and you played a mean hitler
Take the mustache away you look more like bette midler
You big tooth chompy face horse looking prick
You and bill o' reilly can both suck my dick

You're taller than I am but you look up to me
The guy who got you, your first job in comedy

I wrote your best verses for you let you scream on the chorus
You've got as much music talent as chuck fucking norris

You a musician? that's a kinda stretching
You wrote eighty seven songs with the same chord progression

You look like a thumb where'd you even come from?
It's like I'm battle rapping a fat version of gollum

I'm gonna knock you right outta your little superman socks
You were nothing before you rode up on kassemg's jock

Man, you don't even have to say that kind of shit
Fuck the rap battles and you I quit

epic rap battles of history - sarah palin vs lady gaga

Oh boy
Look what we have here
A transvestite with a keyboard
Trying to be freak of the year
Your voice sounds like a rooster
Having sex with a frog
They put a lot of lipstick on you
But you still look like a dog
Put down that teacup honey
Go put on some pants and
Stop letting little monsters
Teach you how to dance and
You may be gaga
But you ain't a lady at all
I've seen those outfits you've been wearing
That takes big balls

I think I'd rather elect a smurf than vote for you
Governor of alaska?
That's like the principal of a home school!
You are the sum of everything I despise
With the most dysfunctional family
Since the jackson fucking five
Just trust me, your fifteen minutes of fame came and went
Go back to your igloo
Spend some time with your kids before they're pregnant
Your frigid little body couldn't even handle what I do
I think the truth is, sarah, my music just scares you

The music doesn't scare me, I'm a mother of five!
I killed moose with my bare hands before you were alive
Everything you do is just a rerun of madonna
Your fans are in a frenzy like a bunch of gay piranha!

I sound more intelligent than you when I fart
I wonder if you even know how to spell the word 'art'
You don't belong in politics, you belong in a hockey game
History will regret you like john mccain

epic rap battles of history - donald trump vs hillary clinton

[Hillary Clinton]
I've been in this game too long
I'm a public servant
Have been since I met Mlk in person
I'm a woman of the people
That's for certain
You're a man of the people
Who don't like turbans

I was living in the West Wing
While you were professional wrestling
You got skin like Russian dressing
From too much Russian investing

You been going bankrupt since the 90's
If I was Iran you couldn't find me
You don't care about the job, Trump
You just think the desk is shiny

I said that I respect your children
But that wasn't quite right, yo
Looking like some extras from American Psycho

First name is Hillary, Middle name Rodham
Last name is Clinton and lyrics I got 'em
You fire celebrities on The Apprentice
mutha fucka, I fire Bin Laden

How do I say this?
You're racist
Ohh, You must get so pissed
That your hands are too small
To stop and frisk

So you use your fingers to touch chicks
She's only 12 years old
That's enough, shit
But She's married sir
Just gotta get pushy
That's your daughter
Well, grab her by the pussy

That's assault, brotha
Don't tell me the victim's at fault, sucka
You don't know shit about steaks, yucka
But the ones on the 8th are great
Mutha fucka

Better save the date
I'm gonna rock the vote
Bad bitch on the scene
Like Murder She Wrote
So go ahead Donald let me see you flow
I brought Michelle's speech
Borrow some quotes

[Donald Trump]
Let me just say
I respect all females
But your rhymes are trash
Put 'em next to your emails

Our country's in crisis
Who wants to vote for the mother of Isis?
That might not be exactly true
But I don't do politeness

You wanna talk about misogyny
Your Bill's worse than Cosby
He left a mess on that dress
Like you left in Benghazi

You wanna break the glass ceiling
Hillary I sense it
But the only crack you'll find
Is my ass pressed agaisnt it

The numbers are in and I'm right on your tail
You don't have the stamina baby, you're frail
This will be just like '08 when you fail
But Trump will appoint you to jail

How do I say this?
You're a 2
And you almost lost the primary to a socialist Jew
What do the American people
Gotta yankee doodle do
To get it throught your fat face
That they're just not that into you

They want a strong male leader
Who can stand up to China
Not a crooked little wishy washy bleeding heart vagina
I'm gonna run these streets like I run my Casinos
More police and less latinos

While you bry us in debt buying poor people socks
I'll create job stearing down mosques
Then I'll use all the best rocks
from the site to build a wall

Dip it in gold and make Mexico pay for it all
I'll make this country great again
We'll all be living large
I'll tell Congress you're fired
and put Charles in charge

Cause this whole system's rigged
and we all know the riggers for the last 8 years
This country's been run by

[Abraham Lincoln]
Agh!
Are you fucking kidding me with this blah blah blah
I've half a mind to feed you both
to my oversized

I've heard more thoughtful discussion up in Tmz
You two got brother blocking brother on their Facebook feed

I'm so sick and tired of this ridiculous shit
If this is the best my party gets
Then my party should quit

(Ja) I'm sorry
Did I say something that you found funny?
Wipe that creepy ass smile off your face
and beat this dummy

And if she does win the White House
Be a man and hold the door
Don't get your fans stirred up
in some sorta Twitter civil war

Here's an equal opportunity
Smack down in the sequel
That's of the people, by the people, for the people
Eagle

epic rap battles of history - george washington vs william wallace

George Washington
There's a difference between you and me, Willy
I fought 'till I was actually Free, Willy
I got my face on a quarter
You got drawn and quartered
Tortured on the orders of a king, really?
How'd you get beat by a dude named Longshanks?
You hot dogged and he cut off your bean franks
I'm money like a national bank
Ain't nobody more street than Big G
Stone face with a grill of sheep teeth
A Mel Gibson movie is your legacy
I got a state and a day and a D. C
(Stroke!) Roll up in a boat
(Stroke!) You're sleeping, cut your throat
(Stroke!) I'll watch the blood flow, now who's got that Redcoat?

William Wallace
Look at you in your little blousy outfit
Looking like a stiffer white dick than your monument
I'll knock you the fuck out, mate
You died owning slaves, I died setting men free (Scot free!)
That's the highland way, this powdered prick couldn't beat me in a foot race
I was emasculated, eviscerated
I had my head chopped off and they put it on a pike
But I still find time to bust a Gaelic rhyme
I'll rip your Yankee Doodle arse on the mic!
I'll knock your face off your moolah, Alba gu bràth! (Gu bràth!) Hoo-ra! (Hoo-ra!)
Founding Father, but no children
Crossed the Delaware but your soldiers couldn't swim
That's Washington, such a shite tactician
The fucking British Army didn't even want him
I'm Wallace! And I'm flawless!
Stay hidden in your office or suffer great losses!
I pop my kilt, strap my sword in my hilt, step on the battlefield and I'm ready to kill!
Send all your politicians straight down to hell!
The only Washington I trust Denzel!

George Washington
Is that the best you got for me?
I'll chop down an emcee like a cherry tree!
See, power! That's what the meaning of my flag is!
Your nation's famous for golf and haggis!
I'm fabulous from my head to my shoebuckle!
Step to me, and catch a knee to the mooseknuckle!
Cause I know you don't wear no draws
I'm dressed like a pimp, best moves in at the ball
Mcglavin, Mcgliven, Mcschool you all
Cock block more Scots than Hadrian's Wall!

William Wallace
I don't give a shite about your fancy clothes!
You whipped all those out of slave black folks
Grew weed and you made hemp rope
But if you think you'll beat me, you must be having a smoke!
No joke! Don't tee off with me, laddie!
If you held my balls, you couldn't be my caddie!
My style's ice cold, yours is old and shabby
You're the Father of Your Country, but I'm your daddy

epic rap battles of history - ghostbusters vs mythbusters

Ghostbusters
Are you tired of two geeks in mustaches
Who can manage to be boring
with explosions and crashes?
If you, or the lorax, wanna bust like we do
Give us a call, we're ready to defeat you
Ghostbusters, flow crushers, get the job done
Spitting out the lyrics like, 'we got one! '
Get the people moving like the statue of liberty
Try to beat us in a battle? (man, you gotta be kidding me)
The delivery of stantz stands straight
like my main man's slinky
I collect spores (tell 'em 'bout the twinkie)
Like your show, it's all fluff and filler
I'll kick your hiney man, I'm a savage killer

Mythbusters
Wow, your raps are just too wack to handle
Let's do it like we do on the discovery channel
Your science is preposterous
the opposite of competent process
And in this episode, we'll give you a synopsis
Starting with the vacuum cleaners
strapped up on your back
It's a fact, positrons don't react like that
You built a laser grid with no safety switch
And walter peck was right, that's some shady shit
Good thing you work in a firehouse
cause you just got burned
You are poor scientists, and that's confirmed

Ghostbusters
That's enough from the walrus and dickless the clown
Let's show these mythbitches how we do it downtown
Grab your stick (holdin'), heat em up (smokin')
High speed shows your ass get beat in slow motion
We roast show hosts when our flows cross streams
Pumping out blockbusters
while you work behind the scenes
It's a rap test dummy, and you're both getting crashed
We came, we saw, we kicked your ass

Mythbusters
Ghosts aren't real, but it should be said
It's time to bring the b-team back from the dead
(Hey!) things are getting scary, when tory, grant and kari
Come harder than ray when that ghost popped his cherry
We reject your flows, and substitute our own
Uhhmm
Why'd you stop? I couldn't think of a rhyme
Well just say the first thing that pops into your mind

Stay puft marshmallow man
Aww... Aww
Yo, raise up, it's stay puft, I stay fluff
Blaze chumps and flip kari butter-side up (hey!)
I'mma smother ghostbusters in fluffernutter, I don't play
Show these dweebs how to rock a beret (hey)
I live so large you can't harsh my mellow
Just one step took me out the ghetto
You best be afraid of my marshmallow flows
Cause big puft just turned all you bitches to toast